so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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