it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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