take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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