Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
