I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
