Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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