I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
