i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Randomize
