Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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