last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
