he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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