If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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