EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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