True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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