piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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