You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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