We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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