Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
