I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
