She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
