Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
