Dude, you need to talk to your mom
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
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I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
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Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.