I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
