then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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