Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
