There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
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