I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
