Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
