I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
