good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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