Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish you could order shots online.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Your penis caused this!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
