nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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