she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
