We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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