I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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