just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
