You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Vodka?
Forever.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
