Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
