my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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