Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
