If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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