Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
