where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
