The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
