hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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