Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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