I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
