RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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