Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
