Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
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Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
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Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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