She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
