I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
