And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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