I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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